You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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