party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
