I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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