if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
God, I missed his penis.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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