I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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