at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
