Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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