tonight lets celebrate not being married
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Why is there bacon in the couch?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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