I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
