Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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