wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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