Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
