if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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