i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
