There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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