apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
