Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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