Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
