my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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