dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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