If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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