What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
