I will die if light touches me.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
