Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
