My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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