I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
