I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
