Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
