i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
