the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
