Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
