Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
We had to coat check the pizza.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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