Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
