Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
