I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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