So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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