You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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