If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
