I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
