he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
