Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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