And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
