I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
