Will you blow on my dice?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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