does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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