Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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