Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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