And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
