Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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