Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
