We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
